perangai lama

dulu masa lepas form 5 aku hilang dr kwn2 skolah..

then aku masuk form 6, ak hilang gak...

then ak masuk kolej kt ipoh...

aku rasa aku dah start nk buat balik perangai lama..

aku rasa cam nak 'hilang' lg dekat ipoh ni..

well, who knows...

yess ak mmg jenis loner...

dari dulu lg. tu pn nseb bek la kwn2 rajin cari aku..

nk harap aku hampeh la. bukan ak x ingt. just.. ntah la.

me being me. -__-" ak x pnah lpe kwn2. siyes. cuma aku ske men nyorok2.

aku ni lemah. pantang emo sket ngan org2 yg wat ak taching, mula la nk hilang.

ah.. mcm derang peduli je.. x kan..

kdg2 rindu dah ade life berfamily cm dulu...

ade mak aku lg mesti best. owh ptot la aku loner. pasal time mak aku ade dlu pn aku x rmai kwn. dier la bestfriend aku kan..

mom, how i wish you're here with me..

yess 8 tahun masih mourning psl mak aku. mintak2 x mental. fiza, terima la kenyataan. okey..

ku menangis kehilanganmu

mengemis kasih orang
tak sedar siapakah diri
yang menumpang di sudut hati
tak tahu orang dah tak sayang


walau pun tak ku rela
kehilanganmu sayang
bersama air mata
ku lepaskan kau pergi


andainya dapat kau rasa
kepiluan di hati ini
bagaikan terbakar api
semarak pedih terasa
bila kekasih menghilang
perginya tiada berpsan
ku menangis keranamu
ku menangis kernamu



form my fav song of all time, ku menangis kehilangan mu - scoin. 

p/s : aku ni jiwang orangnye. trust me.

the book

i love to read books. but somehow, i didn't manage to do that recently. recently is not just recently. it had been 2 years i haven't constantly read books. i mean, i used to read a lot during my high school years. there's a logic behind it, well maybe i have more time during that days compare to now. but i had made a .. not a promise.. it is more like a must to do things that i have to do daily. so that i don't think much about real life. yess i admit it. my imagination is wild and crazy and it feels like i'm drowning into the storyline and not aware what's happening around me at that time. does it make sense? i don't know if it happened to you guys too but yeah. me being me. 

and recently i read this book called shiver. it was the best!!! one of the best books i've ever read. when i read this books, i feel like i was watching the character doing what they're currently do in the books. it was awesomeee feeling i tell ya. woah!! no words can describe that..

seriously i recommend you, those novels junkies to grab this books and read it. i haven't finish with the first book yet. but i'm totally excited and soo eager to read the next two. (i bought the set which include all the three books come in this shhiver series). but warning, those who hate twilight, don't bother to read this books. because u might strangle me after u read the first 3 chapter. haha. 

gonna read read read and read until i'm bored with this series. just like i did when i was crazy about harry potter. i read those series for like...20 times?? for me to read a book more than over 20 times, that book must be crazily unlogic, fiction and damn good. 

i just love this series... i hope they made it into movies. so that i can curse if the movies sucks. ;P

i'm bored...

i woke up this morning. feeling lonely. and bored to death. i hate to work during weekdays but hate it more doing nothing on saturday and sunday. for better or for worst, i don't know. but i choose to stay at home, and deal with this boredomness rather than going out. but it's ok... well, i'm going to find a part time job again. i can't just sit back and do nothing. and, by working, that's mean i have 2 jobs, and will be working 7 days a week, 30 days a mnth. how tiring is that?? i don't mind...

i'm doing the right thing isn't it?

wondering

i wonder those words you wrote..
is it for me??
or for somebody else..
i have this strange of feelings...
that you would not let it go..
as i asked you to...
please..
we have to make it work..
atleast, i made that work..
i hope those words are not for me..
because i don't want to be in any part of your life again..
you purposely wrote that..
as you know i would read it..
well, if that your intention..
i apologize...
i've said it before...
but there's no harm if i apologize again isn't it...
that is what you really wanted..
isn't it??
hey.. i'm so sorryyy...
for what i've done before..
for those stupid mistakes i made...
i'm sorry...
i'm sorry if i hurt you...
sorry...

sincerely,
hafiza

semalam

 semalam hujan lebat. dipendekkan cte ak pn redah je la ngan moto ex ak. lebat sgt. jalan banjir. tp ak wat hati kering sbb bantal kt umah dh memannggil manggil. hujan lebat sgt nk ribut pn ade angin kuat. tp badan aku penat ya amat. x dpt ak nk thn. rabak mata weyh. ahhh. redah je la. hujan tu air ape la sgt. mmg sebelum ni pn ni la prangai ak. agak2 tnggu dlm 10 min mmg ak mls nk tnggu lama2. da biasa redah hujan ni.

tp mlm tu ak rase laen mcm sgt.badan aku menggigil. dh tahap asma dah. nak benafas x boleh. sejuk menyucuk smp ke tulang. mata rase bepinar. pejam celik pejam celik je. ak rase nk pitam. konklusi aku, ahhh x ckup tido ni dah la hujan sejuk lg.. biasa la rse mcm ni.

atas moto aku still menggigil.. x berhenti walau sesaat. menyucuk smp ke tulang sejuk tu x yah ckp la. ak redah je. semua lampu merah ak lnggar nk cepat smp punye psl.. ak btl2 x tahan dah. tp.. sejuk malam tu mmg laen mcm sgt.. menggigil teruk badan ak.. ak kuatkan jgk smp rumah.. dlm hati risau jgk kot2 pengsan atas moto..

dah smp bwh blok ak paking moto. kaki aku ni x larat nk melangkah mata pun x bpe npak. x pe ak kuatkan. smp umah. kunci rumah x bwk plak!! first time ak x bwk kunci ble kua. bnde ak x penah2 lupa sblum ni. dah smp umah aku mandi tuka pkaian kering. dlm hati aku, "aii npe x benti2 gak menggigil menyucuk nyucuk ni". ak dah mula pelik la kan. tp ak ingt jap2 lg ok la tu.

aku baring. mata ngantuk tp ak x leh tido. bdn still menggigil. nk lelap mmg x blh.. loya pitam sakit semua ade... agak lama aku baring mkn menjadi jadi plak. sakit nye x dpt nk bygkan.. ak baring.. selimut bdn.. dgn harapan bia panas jap lg ok. selalu kalau aku kene hujan x penah lak jd cm ni. kre cm bdn ak dh imun la hujan2 ni. relax je cool je pas tu.

lama ak tnggu ade sejam kot. x benti2 jgk ni. mata ngantuk ni nk tido tp x leh jgk... ahhh ak rse len mcm. aku kol abg aku.. abg aku angkt. aku ckp tlg bwk ak gi hosp ak x thn sgt. ak pn x twu ape jd ni. dh mse tu hujan lebat. cm ne la abg ak nk dtg. last2 abg aku dtg ngan aiman.

nk trun tngga smp ke kereta tu pn mata ak bepinar. mnggigil sejuk smp ke tulang. dlm hati, ak pelik sgt2. ape jd kt aku ni?? otw ke hosp ak x bukak mata pn. ak cuba thn bdn ak dr mnggigil tp x blh jgk. abg ak cuma ckp sabar adik sabar. tahan sikit yea. hujan still lebat ya amat time tu. lebat sgt.

smp hosp lebih kurang 5 lebih. ak still mcm asma menggigil x tentu psl.. ak ckp kt abg ak.. adik sejuk.. mmg aku sejuk sgt. abg ak cuma diam. teman ak gi cek doktor semua tu. demam ape semua x de. last2 doctor tu bg ak panadol jerr!! gahhh. tlg la wt check up ke pe mende. ak dh rse truk sgt time tu.. aku ingt ape doctor tu ckp... "demamm batuk cirit semua x de. hm. bg PCM je la." kalau ak sihat mmg aku nk maki doktor tu kt situ. oii ak sakit btl ni.. cm tu je cek ke.

dlm kereta ak btl2 dh x larat.. mnggigil lg. ak ngantuk sgt tp sejuk tu buat ak x tahan. x boleh tido lngsung. mengalir gak air mata aku ni, dh berapa jam aku menggigil mcm ni.. sejuk.. mata x leh bukak.. bila nk hilang.. tlg la hilang.. ak btl2 x thn...

aku ingt aiman tnye aku, "fiza sejuk smp ke tulang ke?". ai mcm tawu2. aku angguk je la nk ckp x tersuara ntah npe. pkul 5 lebih kot dlm kerete otw nk balik. aku dh x tahan sgt ni. tp ak diam je.. menggigil lg. mata ak x leh tahan dah.. time tu mmg aku mamai... sbb ngantuk la kot 1 hari x tido. yg aku ingt aku denga azan subuh dlm kereta. lepas tu aku x ingt pape dh. tetido la kot.

aku sedar ble abg aku kejot aku. dier dukung ak smp umah. mata ak still x leh bukak. bdn aku mnggigil tp dh kurang. aku gagahkn diri jalan smp katil. baring. mmg dh kurang sejuk n menggigil bdn aku ni.. ape lg tido la.. kang jd balik x boleh tido lak.. tu yg ak pk..

hari ni aku tebangun, tetanya tnya ape yg jd semalam. dlm kereta aku ingt abg aku ngan aiman sembang nk bwk berubat kg la ape la.. ooohh sory ak x pecayer benda2 cm ni. hm.. tp ape yg jd ak sendiri x tahu.. mmg x penah aku rse cm tu seumur hdup aku. ak pn x de jwpan. ntah la.. moga2 x de ape yg buruk jd kt aku. AMIN.

panic

menggelabah!! panic.. mne nk daftar muet ni. da la td kumur2 listerine pedih. pastu asek2 ujan. pastu pastu lesen x habes lg.. semua kne buat..

b4 MAY !!!!!!

i'm seriously panic...

-end-

Muet

ok. requirement nk mek degree ; mesti ade MUET..

mcm mne ak leh lpe ak x de muet lg!!!

ptg td bpk aku kol ingtkn aku...

how sweet... aku x ingt dier ingt..

that's a good sign isn't it. ;D

ok. azam bulam MAC : amek MUET.

1437

i told myself, to not let him go. i was selfish. i was blind. i was a fool. but i've gained my courage. to tell you that i let you go. and asked for your forgiveness. i apologise, for what i've done to you. there's so many mistakes i made towards you. i hurt you. but there's not even a single time pass by, and every each breath of mine, you're always in my heart. in my mind. but i was thinking, what if she's the one for you. what if she can give you the happiness, that you was never felt with me. she took care of you unlike me who mounting an ego, to not let myself down and not being with you whenever you need somebody by your side. she understands you, unlike me, i was relying on you. hoping that you would understand me. i cried with all my heart. infront of you. begging you, not to hurt me anymore. as what i've been through right now, it is enough already. if your intention is to made me realize, that losing you will be the most saddest feeling i can ever felt. it works. i am hurt. i am sad. but i was never mad at you. for what you've done. i took it as my punishment. to be a better person in the future. if it is not with you, then i should be better person to somebody else. i made a promise, if later on i found a person, that i love as much as i love you, i will never take things for granted. because i don't want to lose that person anymore, just like i lost you.

please don't make this hard for me..
help me.. to forget you..
and forget our memories..

I hate to see the one I love happy with somebody 

but I surely hate it more to see the one I love unhappy with me...

tagged questions

Where were you 3 hours ago? 
Mcd Ipoh Garden

Who are you in love with? 
him. always him.

Have you ever eaten a crayon? 
nope.

Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? 
yes. a mirror.

When is the last time you went to the mall? 
last Sunday

Are you wearing socks right now? 
no

Does your family have a car worth over $2,000? 
yes. my dad's car. i don't have my own.

When was the last time you drove out of town? 
i don't even have a license

Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days? 
no

Are you hot? 
nope

What was the last thing you had to drink? 
teh ais

What are you wearing right now? 
t-shirt and short pants

Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it? 
i don't have a car lahhhh

Last food that you ate? 
nasi goreng paprik

Where were you last week at this time? 
i don't remember

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? 
yess. a t-shirt.

When is the last time you ran? 
2 hours ago. trying to catch up with him. he walked too fast.

What's the last sporting event you watched? 
football. Perak vs Sarawak at stadium Ipoh

What is your favorite animal? 
cat =)

Your dream vacation? 
vacation accompany by my husband to be but i don't know who is going to be my husband

Last person's house you were in? 
errr.... x ingt..

Worst injury you've ever had? 
5 stitches on my batang hidung.

Have you been in love? 
ofcourse

Do you miss anyone right now? 
yes i do.. i miss him.. ='(

Last play you saw? 
can't remember..

What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? 
cry like a baby.. =P

What are your plans for tonight? 
nothing much. on9, write my journal, sleep.

Who is the last person you sent a MySpace message or comment? 
i think no one uses myspace nowadays

Next trip you are going to take? 
err.. ntah

Ever go to camp? 
few times

Were you an honor roll student in school? 
no..

What do you want to know about the future? 
who is going to be my husband =P

Are you wearing any perfume or cologne? 
cologne. sometimes i use perfume.

Are you due sometime this year for a doctor's visit? 
no..


Where is your best friend? 
in k.l

How is your best friend? 
i think she's doing fine. started a new semester in her uni.

Do you have a tan? 
nope


What are you listening to right now? 
awie songs.

Do you collect anything? 
nope..

Who is the biggest gossiper you know? 
no idea


Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over? 
last year. near Fairpark.

Have you ever drank your soda from a straw? 
yess

Do you like hot sauce? 
yes i do! =)

Last time you took a shower? 
4 hours ago

Do you need to do laundry? 
ofcourse i do

What is your heritage? 
malay + mamak + chinese. kot.

Are you someone's best friend? 
i think so..

Are you rich? 
apparently no.

What were you doing at 12AM last night? 

crying...

letting go and moving on

 we used to be happy together..
we get along very well..
we share our laughter..
we care for each other..
i was very happy..
eventhough deep inside me..
i never feel confident..
i felt insecure..
but being with you was the happiest thing in my life..
i told myself..
not to be worried..
all is going to be fine..
even i knew...
such thing will happened..
we will be apart..
we will hate each other..
we tend to blame each other..
and it happened..
i'm hurt..
i'm sad..
losing you was worst feeling i can ever felt...
i'm not blaming you..
as i know i was never perfect for you..
and still i am not..
you choose her instead of me..
to be part of your life..
i wish..
i'm the one..
who is going to hold your hand till we're old..
spending our life together..
having a family together..
until i realize..
i was just dreaming..
dreaming about something that is impossible..
because i was never in your heart..
i knew it all this while..
but keep pretending..
i lied to myself..
i convinced my self...
denying the fact..
pretending that is not true..
i was a fool..
i was stupid..

but now i have to let you go..
it was hard..
as i've been through this kind of situation before..
and i never thought of going through it again..
this is life..
forgetting you is hard..
but i have to..
life is never easy...
i wish you're happy with her..
you will always in my heart..
MSZ

me being me

i've lost myself or most of me..

i'm so confused..

what's true or false..

what's fact and fiction after all..

 

the fact : a life

the fiction : a life full of happiness

 

The sun has dimmed...

The sun has dimmed

The moon has begun to burn

Why has the sky begun to melt?

I stand still as the earth moves around me

The heart beats faster as my breath goes deeper

Yes, is this my first love?

My love, is this my first love?

This moment is beautiful

Everything is changing

Dreams are blending into real life

Is this bond of ours centuries old?

For in a such way i am meeting you

Love's season will remain like this always

Meet me like this, lifetime after lifetime

I stand still as the earth moves around me

The heart beats faster as my breath goes deeper

Yes, is this my first love?

My love, is this my first love?

Only with your colour am i this colourful, darling

Having gained you, i am losing myself, darling

Beloved, having drowned in your love

I am becoming the shore, darling

The ocean has become thirsty

Night has begun to awaken

Even in the heart of flame, fire erupted

I stand still as the earth moves around me

My heart beats faster as my breath goes deeper

Is this my first love?

My love, is this my first love?

The sun has dimmed

The moon has begun to burn

Why has the sky begun to melt?

=)

Cinta sejati adalah ketika dia mencintai orang lain,

dan kamu masih mampu tersenyum,

sambil berkata,

" aku turut bahagia untukmu"