it is 31st March 2014. i'm in my hostel room in UTP. it is heavily raining outside now. and i'm alone. it is 5.18 pm. i got nothing to do so i watched a movie. to be truth, i felt so alone whenever i'm here. eventhough there's a lot of people here, i still felt alone. because i don't know any of them. it's not that i like to be alone, it is just that easier that way. when you involve with people, it'll create drama. i hate complicated things.
it has been 1 year and 6 month since i started to study here. and in that period of time, never once i've been happy here. yess i have to go to class and all. i thought of to not stayed at the uni hostel, i want to go back everyday. but sometimes i have classes at night, coq, other stuff and it is hard to do that. maybe after practical i will consider to stay at home rather than here.
it is 1 hour drive from my home to utp. i don't like to stay at utp. because it doesn't feels like home. i feel restricted to do anything. i do nothing at home. i watched tv, while doing my laundry, play with my cat, i cook, go out with mr F. there's nothing interesting there, but somehow, staying here it's just not the same. i'm not happy. but i have to.
i go back to utp usually every monday. and i'll start to count how many days left for me to stay here. usually i'll go back on thursday. i just don't like to be here. i like to study but the idea of staying at a hostel, no matter how i tried to accept it and try to like it, it won't happen. trust me. i've tried.
and the rain made me feel more lonely. well, i'm always alone when i'm at home, but it's not the same when i'm here. being alone at home but i know he's not far from me, it is enough to make me happy. i need to be patient. i'll go for internship in May. and after that i'll have another one year before i complete my study here. i just need to be patient.