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last day of March 2014

it is 31st March 2014. i'm in my hostel room in UTP. it is heavily raining outside now. and i'm alone. it is 5.18 pm. i got nothing to do so i watched a movie. to be truth, i felt so alone whenever i'm here. eventhough there's a lot of people here, i still felt alone. because i don't know any of them. it's not that i like to be alone, it is just that easier that way. when you involve with people, it'll create drama. i hate complicated things.

it has been 1 year and 6 month since i started to study here. and in that period of time, never once i've been happy here. yess i have to go to class and all. i thought of to not stayed at the uni hostel, i want to go back everyday. but sometimes i have classes at night, coq, other stuff and it is hard to do that. maybe after practical i will consider to stay at home rather than here.

it is 1 hour drive from my home to utp. i don't like to stay at utp. because it doesn't feels like home. i feel restricted to do anything. i do nothing at home. i watched tv, while doing my laundry, play with my cat, i cook, go out with mr F. there's nothing interesting there, but somehow, staying here it's just not the same. i'm not happy. but i have to.

i go back to utp usually every monday. and i'll start to count how many days left for me to stay here. usually i'll go back on thursday. i just don't like to be here. i like to study but the idea of staying at a hostel, no matter how i tried to accept it and try to like it, it won't happen. trust me. i've tried.

and the rain made me feel more lonely. well, i'm always alone when i'm at home, but it's not the same when i'm here. being alone at home but i know he's not far from me, it is enough to make me happy. i need to be patient. i'll go for internship in May. and after that i'll have another one year before i complete my study here. i just need to be patient.

QOTD

" A mouthful of gentle words. A handful of good deeds.

 A smiling face. A heart full of happiness"

*****

Wisdom is treasure

Be kind and give charity happily

Be helpful to others

Speak kind and good words

****

Semester 4

I took 6 major courses this semester.

• health, safety and environment (HSE)
• corporate ethics
• statistic and empirical methods
• software engineering
• network security
• wireless technology

i just want to review and add my thought on each of this subject, and also what my target for this semester. we start with the first 3 of my IT course.

Software engineering

First of all, the lecturer slides for this subject is no fun. Blue background and white font for ALL the slides. can you imagine that? when the slide is changing, i cannot tell weather it is a new slide or just the previous one. and again, i don't know why my university system is more fond towards talking about the managing of things you should do rather than doing the work itself. I mean, i need more practice on how to programmed, how to do stuff and all. it is very disappointing to me. I've been feeling this since the first semester and i have to actually learn to do something from youtube and google things. i hate that. i really hate when all i have to do is listen to how to do something. Why can they actually teaches us, i mean show how to do the work??

Network security

i cannot comment much of this subject. so far so good. I only have 1 small project to work on.

Wireless technology

Lots of reading required. Which is fine. Hopefully the project is easy to moderate.

HSE

Simple subject. I have 1 major project to work on. It's a thesis. My group is awesome. So that's make things simpler.Required lots of reading.

Corporate ethics

I would say that this is my least favorite subject for this semester because the content is difficult to learn. It's not that it is hard to understand. They should make it simpler in terms of delivering the info. no need to use such bombastic words. I easily get bored during class during this subject and i tend to play with my cellphone. Which is not good and i don't usually do that in class. I have 1 individual project and 1 group project for this subject.

Statistic and empirical methods

Out of the other 2 non-IT subject that i took for this semester, this one if my fav. Because it involve math. Calculating things. no project which good.

***********

Hopefully i can get A for all of the subject. 1 or 2 B is ok. I need Deans List again this semester because my pointer in the first semester is not that good and second semester i got really shitty pointer. Maybe i'm still adapting to the course at that time. semester is good. i word really hard and managed to get good pointer. And now i'm trying to maintained that.

i want a rainbow

i want a rainbow

my own rainbow

a rainbow that i only can see

you

I've tried. i tried to be that person. which deep down inside, i know i will never be. but still, i try everyday. telling myself that someday, someday things will be fine. i keep that thought to myself. i keep everything to myself. sharing is not something that comes naturally in me. same goes to love. i can love unconditionally, but i can never share. i cannot lie. i told myself, it would be no harm just by giving a little love, but i just can't. i want to just keep it all. keep it all to myself. is it selfish? yes. absolutely yes. i know everything is not all about me. but for myself, i don't have anybody. i only have me. 

i'm lost and there's nobody that can help me. nobody.. 

*********

there's always something in the way

there's always something getting through

but it's not me... it's you

i find peace when i'm confused

i find hope when i'm let down

not in me... in you

i hope to lose myself for good

i hope to find it in the end

not in me... in you

it's you

365 days with you.

we've seen each other EVERY SINGLE DAY since i started my semester break. which was on 5th of may now that's a new record for us. it is not so surprise as we both is so clingy to each other, and seeing him every each day just made my day. and him? i can tell he can't survive half the day without seeing me. and thank you for that. because being clingy is what i always wanted in a relationship. like seriously. i think, when you're with the right person, who is your bestfriend, your boyfriend, your partner, we tell each other about everything, bored?? it does not exist you know. yes we're not perfect. we do fight, quarrel about stupid things, but in the end, we've just forgive each other. and our fight won't last even for a day. now that's a good thing. we're constantly on the phone, talking to each other, thanks to digieasy, for enabling us talking on the phone for like ridiculously freaking long hour. i've been with him for the last 1 year. and i can tell you it is the best moment in my life. which i'll keep till the day i die. i don't know if he's the man i'll be marrying someday in the future, but the truth is i don't care. i just want to be with the right person. marriage is not like buying candy in the shop, go back home and eat them. it's far more than that. just let the time goes by and see what is for us next in the future. for the time being, we just enjoy life, together, through thick and thin, until i don't know when. until i'm old maybe? who knows right. =)

lost

i seriously do not know what i should do in my life...

should i buy a car??

should i be with this guy??

should i go back home??

should i leave ipoh and start a new life somewhere else??

i do not know..

i seriously do not know what i should do..

or where i should go...

or who i should be with..

i think i'm lost...

lost...

i am happy ;)

like seriously..
i am those kind of girls who are constantly in a relationship..
not that i like to do it..
it just happened..
people come and go you know..
and people do change..
atleast, i'm the type of girl who had ONLY a relationship with a person at a time..
get it?? ;)
my previous boyfriends, all got stuck up with another girls..
and i'm not even mad a them..ok that's a lie..
i do get mad but not for a long time..
there're still young.. not even matured enough..
and may not be serious yet to be in a relationship..
so recently i am happy because i get to know my current bf..
and he's the most sincere guy and bf i've ever had...
when people promise you something, you can tell whether they're just saying it or they're really mean it..
well, maybe he's older and matured and bla bla bla...
a girl like me?? nahh.. i won't survive  being alone. haha.

i'm happy and that's all i ever wanted. just to be HAPPY. ;)

Rapuh by opick

detik waktu terus berjalan
berhias gelap dan terang
suka dan duka tangis dan tawa
tergores bagai lukisan

seribu mimpi berjuta sepi
hadir bagai teman sejati
diantara lelahnya jiwa
dalam resah dan airmata
kupersembahkan kepadamu
yang terindah dalam hidupku

meskiku rapuh dalam langkah
kadang tak setia kepadamu
namun cinta dalam jiwa
hanyalah padamu

maafkanlah bila hati
tak sempurna mencintaimu
dalam dad kuharap hanya
dirimu yang bertakhta

maafkanlah bila hati
tak sempurna mencintaimu
dalam dada kuharap hanya
dirimu yang bertakhta

i may not be perfect for you..
i can't replace those memories you had before..
nor can i be just like the person you're with before..
but hey.. as time goes by..
i really hope i can fill your life..
with our memories instead..
you've together with her for like7-8 years...
and it might take 7-8 years too for you to forget her..
i'll be with you, by yourside..
always.. and waiting..
for the time when i can be just like her..
in your life... ;)

hi long time no see!

abandoning my blog fer about 7 months and i feel great!! haha. ;P well, nothing much and nothing interesting happened in my life for the past 7 months. update about mself :

1. bought new bike. old one got stolen infront my workplace.
2. rent a room at bercham. not sharing with anyone. only one room fer me and it sooo cool.
3. working in PHD and it was owesome!! ;)
4. knew this guy who is extremely kind, well-behaved, and he's now my BF. how cool is that?? ;D
5. i am officially a UTPians.
6. gain some weight. grrrr.......
7. got meself a digieasy!! jimat weyh
8. that's all. buhbye

the book

i love to read books. but somehow, i didn't manage to do that recently. recently is not just recently. it had been 2 years i haven't constantly read books. i mean, i used to read a lot during my high school years. there's a logic behind it, well maybe i have more time during that days compare to now. but i had made a .. not a promise.. it is more like a must to do things that i have to do daily. so that i don't think much about real life. yess i admit it. my imagination is wild and crazy and it feels like i'm drowning into the storyline and not aware what's happening around me at that time. does it make sense? i don't know if it happened to you guys too but yeah. me being me. 

and recently i read this book called shiver. it was the best!!! one of the best books i've ever read. when i read this books, i feel like i was watching the character doing what they're currently do in the books. it was awesomeee feeling i tell ya. woah!! no words can describe that..

seriously i recommend you, those novels junkies to grab this books and read it. i haven't finish with the first book yet. but i'm totally excited and soo eager to read the next two. (i bought the set which include all the three books come in this shhiver series). but warning, those who hate twilight, don't bother to read this books. because u might strangle me after u read the first 3 chapter. haha. 

gonna read read read and read until i'm bored with this series. just like i did when i was crazy about harry potter. i read those series for like...20 times?? for me to read a book more than over 20 times, that book must be crazily unlogic, fiction and damn good. 

i just love this series... i hope they made it into movies. so that i can curse if the movies sucks. ;P

i'm bored...

i woke up this morning. feeling lonely. and bored to death. i hate to work during weekdays but hate it more doing nothing on saturday and sunday. for better or for worst, i don't know. but i choose to stay at home, and deal with this boredomness rather than going out. but it's ok... well, i'm going to find a part time job again. i can't just sit back and do nothing. and, by working, that's mean i have 2 jobs, and will be working 7 days a week, 30 days a mnth. how tiring is that?? i don't mind...

i'm doing the right thing isn't it?

wondering

i wonder those words you wrote..
is it for me??
or for somebody else..
i have this strange of feelings...
that you would not let it go..
as i asked you to...
please..
we have to make it work..
atleast, i made that work..
i hope those words are not for me..
because i don't want to be in any part of your life again..
you purposely wrote that..
as you know i would read it..
well, if that your intention..
i apologize...
i've said it before...
but there's no harm if i apologize again isn't it...
that is what you really wanted..
isn't it??
hey.. i'm so sorryyy...
for what i've done before..
for those stupid mistakes i made...
i'm sorry...
i'm sorry if i hurt you...
sorry...

sincerely,
hafiza

1437

i told myself, to not let him go. i was selfish. i was blind. i was a fool. but i've gained my courage. to tell you that i let you go. and asked for your forgiveness. i apologise, for what i've done to you. there's so many mistakes i made towards you. i hurt you. but there's not even a single time pass by, and every each breath of mine, you're always in my heart. in my mind. but i was thinking, what if she's the one for you. what if she can give you the happiness, that you was never felt with me. she took care of you unlike me who mounting an ego, to not let myself down and not being with you whenever you need somebody by your side. she understands you, unlike me, i was relying on you. hoping that you would understand me. i cried with all my heart. infront of you. begging you, not to hurt me anymore. as what i've been through right now, it is enough already. if your intention is to made me realize, that losing you will be the most saddest feeling i can ever felt. it works. i am hurt. i am sad. but i was never mad at you. for what you've done. i took it as my punishment. to be a better person in the future. if it is not with you, then i should be better person to somebody else. i made a promise, if later on i found a person, that i love as much as i love you, i will never take things for granted. because i don't want to lose that person anymore, just like i lost you.

please don't make this hard for me..
help me.. to forget you..
and forget our memories..